Memorial Day Musings

The approach of Memorial Day earlier this year made me think about some of my friends and family members who have passed away. The pain of their loss may never go away completely, but it has lessened over time.

One of the ways I dealt with the sudden loss of my mother several years ago was by writing a letter to tell her all the heartfelt things I didn’t have a chance to tell her in person. In fact, I wrote for hours that first night, often crying so hard that tears smeared the pages.

I told her how deeply saddened I was that I didn’t have a chance to tell her goodbye and how much I missed her. After a few sessions of cathartic writing, I was able to finally turn to a more joyous topic: how grateful I was to have her for my mother.

Mom taught me many of the important things in life, such as faith, love, family, honesty, respect and responsibility. I started writing vignettes about memories from my childhood and I found a sense of peace as I experienced what I can only describe as a starburst effect.

As I recalled the details of a single, simple family event (such as my 8th-grade graduation) it pointed me to stories about favorite family recipes (such as sour cream chocolate cake) that in turn made me recall summer activities (such as our huge vegetable garden and preparing projects for the county fair). If you envision the sky on the 4th of July, when the fireworks display amazes us with a burst of color and lights followed by another and then another, you’ll see a starburst effect.

Each little story made me think about another one and I began to jot down story ideas in a pretty little spiral-bound writing journal that I carried with me at all times. Every time the cobwebs in my mind cleared enough to reveal a potential topic for future development, I wrote it down in my journal. My hope was to use the snippets of memories to expand into a full story as time allowed.

So what’s the point of this rambling for you?

1 - If you’ve lost someone dear to you, try writing to them or about them. Enjoy all the old memories you can recall to save for yourself, as well as for your friends and family. As a Personal Historian, I am always excited and pleased to help people save their family stories, whether I write for them or teach them how to write their own.

2 - Think about the people around you and let them know how much you appreciate them while you still can. Tell them you love them and what you admire about them. Write them a little note to thank them for something, even if it is small. Consider this: if they were suddenly gone from your life, what would you have wanted them to know? Make an effort to show them how much they matter to you.

3 - Start keeping your own writing journal. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just a simple notebook, tablet or sheaf of paper where you can jot down images that you recall and stories that you can pursue later.

4 - Years ago, I sent a letter to my great aunt and told her how much I appreciated her seeing me as a young lady when I was a terrible tomboy. My intention was to drive up to see her so we could talk about all the little things she had done for me. Unfortunately, she died before I could make the trip. I was so glad I didn’t put off sending that letter.

5 - Moral of the story: Don’t wait until it is too late to tell someone how much they mean to you. You never know when you will lose someone dear and you don’t want to regret the omission.

Go ahead, make their day – tell someone you love them.

Better yet, write it down so they can refer to it time and again.

The Perfect Valentine

As you know, Valentine’s Day is all about love. But do you know one of the best (and easiest) ways to express your love for someone? Just tell them how you feel about them. Okay, maybe you can’t always verbally express what you are feeling, but with a little effort, anyone can write a simple love note.

So how do you get started? Close your eyes and picture your loved one. What do you appreciate most about them? It may be their crooked little smile, their willingness to pitch in to help, their sense of humor, their support for you, the care they give your aging parents or the home-cooked meals they offer.

Whatever it is, they’d probably like to hear you show your appreciation once in a while.

Years ago when I was a kid growing up on the farm, my great-aunt used to bring us clothes and shoes from the upscale dress shop where she worked. I was the only of all my sisters who could fit into the fancy high-heeled shoes that I loved. I could tell how pleased she was to see my enjoyment of them.

As an adult, I wondered what she saw in me as a clumsy tom-boy to think that I could ever clean up so well. I finally mailed her a long letter telling her how much I appreciated her vision and kindness. My plan was to follow up and visit her, then take her out to lunch, but I ran out of time.

Just a few months after I finally wrote to her, she passed away suddenly and I lost the chance to talk in person.

So my point is to let people you care about know what they mean to you now, while you still can. Just a little note or a few words scribbled onto a card may make someone’s day. Why not use Valentine's Day as a reason to express your love?

Who do YOU appreciate? How can you tell or show them? I’d love to hear what works for you.

Change and Eternal Love

My In-laws are amazing people. They are both 90 years old and she is older by four days, so he has always teased her about being an "older woman." They have been married for 71 years this summer and lived in the same house for some 65 years until they moved into a lovely senior housing facility about 6 months ago.

Just yesterday, they made another momentous change in their lives. Mom had to be placed in an Alzheimer's unit because she needs specialized care. I'm sure Dad dreaded making the decision to be separated from his soul-mate, but fortunately, the units are on the same property so he can go see her every day.

In this world of instant gratification and jumping from one relationship to another, it is wonderful to see a love that has endured for almost a century. Even as their minds and bodies have slowly but surely started to disappoint them, there has never been any doubt that they are still in love.

They are models for married life. It would be lovely if we could learn the secret of their success.

Love for Father's Day

So often, we don't remember to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us. That is one of the reasons that I am so passionate about getting people to capture their family stories. Not only are they wonderful to record for future generations, they are fabulous for the people around.

In fact, just one little story would make a wonderful gift to our fathers as a tribute on his special day. Make Father's Day more personal by writing your own story or card. You don't need to buy an expensive card when you want to show your love.

Does your father (or grandfather or brother, etc., you pick) know how much you appreciated his help when you were young? Did he work two jobs to allow you to go to college? Did he happen to get a lot smarter as you grew up from your teen years when you knew everything?

If that person is still around today, you can repay some of his kindness and dedication to you by actually telling or showing him how much he means to you. If they are gone already, then you can write a short story about what they meant to you. Either way, Father's Day is a wonderful opportunity to show you cared.

For more ideas on showing love, check out Patty Newbold's blog at www.assumelove.com.